meditation practice breakthrough
2:10
Hello dear reader!
The sky’s cleared after days of rain. There’s been a pattern this week: casting videos in the afternoons then catering in the evenings. The cafe I work for has been making dinners for an event in town so I’m serving them—the slacks I’ve worn are two-time hand-me-downs last owned by Maddie’s little sister. These uniforms always give me the look of a small boy, which I don’t really mind, actually.
Got a rejection email for the non-fiction piece I submitted. I had part convinced myself beforehand I’d prefer it this way. If you’ll recall, the piece was meant to be about a real relationship and though I felt I had a good story, it felt unfair to write so openly about someone I’d been close with. I also procrastinated to the point where I don’t think the work was as good as it could have been. But this rationalization does seem like an effort to avoid the pain of rejection.
I wanted to tell you about a breakthrough I’ve had with my approach to meditation, and this very much relates. (I’ll link to the podcast episode that really got me there.) I will sometimes note a thing in myself I find distasteful: anger, self-pity, disappointment with rejection. I’ll try to clear the thing from my mind and body then will call that meditation, an act of seeking peace from suffering.
My breakthrough, though, was in the understanding that when I turn away from what I find distasteful in myself, I am tensing up against it. You can find peace from suffering when you relax in it, not when you pretend it doesn’t exist. Maybe I need to look at how I feel when I’m rejected, sense it, welcome it—as well as the distaste I feel for it in the first place. This is how I feel when I wish I didn’t feel something. Find it it in my body. Accept it. Breathe.
Are you meditating, reader? It was my top resolution for the year, and I’m seeing some exciting growth. How are your resolutions going? Hope to hear from you. Hope you’re well.
Yours,
Z
Not much planned yet for me in the next weeks. Went on lots of little adventures in the last few—the girls and I did a day trip to see the snow on the mountains outside of LA, I saw a solo matinee of Nosferatu, I stayed in Pioneer Town near Joshua tree for a shoot (snow in the desert! what a sight!). Been eating good (not necessarily well), drinking beer and bloody maries. It’s felt time to order booze and eat dessert! What can I say?
Also! My craft gathering went well!
