when you get existential biweekly

& on the other hand, waking up with abrupt inspiration (downloads from the universe?)

I woke from last week’s daze at five in the morning—had woken up literally and in half-conscious thought, decided I’d no longer put off the short story I wanted to write. I’d been giving the excuse of not having a laptop, but I would just have to write it on my phone!

Suddenly alert, I left the bed I shared with my sister and curled up in the living room—tall, white, with a balcony. Furnished so far with just a fancy, plush couch. And then I wrote. The sun rose and so did my family. I took a nap, didn’t finish the piece until later, but this was the creative movement I was in need of.

I do wish I could be more in tune with my intuition or perhaps divine guidance throughout the day. But over the last year or so, I’ve had these sort of wake up calls I find precious. Conscious suddenly, for no apparent reason, and I’ll sleepily think my way to inspiration or an answer I’d asked for.

Is there a specific way you seem to receive downloads—suddenly having important realizations in your own mind—? How does it feel to you and what do you think it is? The universe? Your brain? God?

Anyway, it’s the opposite energy of another pattern of mine. You may have noticed that every few weeks or so, my posts sop with Existentialism Lite: what am I doing? What’s the point? What do I want? That sort of thing. It’s like every other week I become drained of motivation or joie de vivre.

That’s just the motion of the ocean, I guess.

Right now, I’m somewhere in the middle of those states of inspiration and drain. I turned in my short story to the magazine I came across—excited to get outsider feedback for the first time in years. Also, I’m coming up on the time I’ll be able to seek a new modeling agency, and after waiting for so long, I’m a little nervous and not yet as prepared as I wanted to be. We’ll fix that once I’m home.

Hope you’re well,

Z